Blame Canada!

What is Toronto?????

2011-02-15T20:14:00.001-08:00

Watson the Jeopardy-playing IBM computer really screwed up the final question tonight (but still won the game), classifying Toronto as a U.S. city. What a stupid machine! Unless... unless it knows something we don't? I'm already quite sure it was cheating by communicating with the question board and bribing the buzzer.

American Junos Uproar

2011-02-14T13:58:00.000-08:00

Arcade Fire aka The Suburbs aka No, Just Arcade Fire won a Grammy, causing a million confused tweets (or at least enough for a tumblr blog dedicated to people who can't use Google and/or reply 'Top 10' when asked for the name of their fave band).

Next question: Who the hell is Montreal Quebec and why did they thank her?

Canada Gets Googled

2011-01-24T21:04:00.000-08:00

Really Guys? Really? - Imgur

Truly, (Canadian Taxpayers') Money For Nothing

2011-01-13T14:30:00.000-08:00

Well, this is embarrassing. According to, er, Fox News:

Dire Straits' "Money for Nothing" can no longer be played in Canada in its original form since the Canadian Broadcast Standards Council has deemed the song offensive.

The decision stems from a listener's complaint last year calling the lyrics — which contain the word "f----t" — extremely offensive to gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.

I'd love to know who complained about this. All the Canadian gays I know get their music on the internet and by hooking up with DJs.

This does leave one question: If Rita MacNeil covers 'Money for Nothing,' will Canada explode in a cloud of CanConFusion?

CBC.ca | Day 6 | Giller Winners Read Snooki's Book

2011-01-07T11:48:00.000-08:00

All right. Fine. This is funny.

CBC.ca | Day 6 | Giller Winners Read Snooki's Book

Massive Teddy Gram

2010-12-17T07:37:00.000-08:00

Check out Canadians and their weird holiday traditions – including throwing $20,000+ stuffed animals onto the ice in aid of children's charities (the toys go to kids as does some money from on-site teddy bear stands). Awwww.

Wikileaks Cables Reveal That Canada Is Boring | The Atlantic Wire

2010-12-01T21:13:00.000-08:00

Yawn. tell us something we don't know, right? According to this piece on The Atlantic Wire U.S. diplomats have little to do but kvetch about the portrayal of Americans on lame Canadian TV shows.

This quote from the comments section is pretty funny, though.

The last time I was in Canada, I turned on the news and caught the crawl mid-sentence at the bottom of the screen:

"...after having its head trapped in a jar for two weeks, apparently freed itself."

Turns out it was a bear! Anyway, exciting things DO happen in Canada.

RIP Leslie Nielsen

2010-11-28T18:24:00.000-08:00

Found Footage Fest Celebrates Thanksgiving

2010-11-27T20:20:00.001-08:00

In honor of Canadian Thanksgiving, video store bargain bin raiders Found Footage Fest featured Canadian Awareness week, including videos of a wrestler called Thor and a hockey team (the Canucks? I don't even know) singing/lip syncing "Red Hot" (remember when you used to think it was called 'lip singing'? Come on, you know you did).

While looking for a photo of said wrestler, I found out about the brave crusade of Canadian actor (and former WWE wrestler) James Preston Rogers who was, apparently, campaigning to play Thor on the big screen. At least until Swedey Whatshisface was cast.

As if anyone could top this dude.

Robin Sparkles: Two Beavers are better than one

2010-11-16T20:39:00.000-08:00

Still not watching How I Met Your Mother due to time constraints/wasting Jason Segel, but Robin Sparkles is back with more excuses to mock Canada and drop a (aboot) bombs.

Oh Alan Thicke...

Jersey Shore: Canadian Edition

2010-11-09T12:57:00.000-08:00

Oh hellllls no. Canada's putting out a version of Jersey Shore with a *sniff* delightfully Canadian, ethnically diverse cast slumming and boozing it up in Toronto. Now you can hate every race, creed and immigrant at once, in one program! Oooo Caaanadaaaaa....

And yet, even though the formula should be foolproof, and even though the bar is set lower than Pauly D's hair, I feel that history has shown us that the Canucks will find a way to screw this up...

Icon 2 Icon

2010-10-20T15:00:00.001-07:00

This may be the funniest thing to come out of Canada since David Foley put on his first dress and wig. Gordon Pinsent reads excerpts from fellow Canadian icon Justin Bieber's autobiography.

Canadian Dreamz

2010-08-26T16:17:00.000-07:00

In yet another strange case of life imitating fiction (there have been others, just Google it), a Canadian arrested yesterday on terrorist conspiracy charges is a former Canadian Idol contestant. Just like that movie American Dreamz (...I assume, from the trailer. Like Hugh Grant but meh, wasn't feeling it).

And there's video! It's awkward ad awful, and doubly odd when you realize it's all an elaborate joke (Khuram Sher was born and raised in Canada, not Pakistan).

How is it that this guy was apparently targeting civilians all over Ottawa but the Canadian Simon Cowell still comes off looking the worst?

[via Toronto Star]

Canadian Wins World Yo-Yo Championship...

2010-08-16T16:15:00.001-07:00

...and somehow seems less nerdy and awkward than your average Canuck. Bwuh?

Sure Jensen Kimmit is cute and gangly and looks like the missing member of Broken Social Scene, but he's got nothing on Kenny "K-Strass" Strasser (unless you define 'something' as 'actual yo-yo skills and fewer awkward pauses and angry phone calls with his dad').

Yet Another Evil Canadian

2010-08-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

I actually knew someone like this in high school. A compulsive liar. She told a guy she had cancer so he'd get her presents. He got her a dream catcher, so she was cured miraculously or told him she'd died or something...

Meet your new devious cancer-scammer: 23-year-old Toronto resident Ashley Kirilow. She shaved her head, waxed her eyebrows, plucked her eyelashes and allegedly scammed more than $20,000 through her charity, "Change" for the Cure.

[via Gawker]

Oh Gee 20

2010-06-29T18:34:00.001-07:00

Yeah so there's been tons of stuff on the G20 protests (the G20 itself, not so much). Protester/bloggers complaining about the media's focus on the violence instead of the issues, media complaining about being violently arrested by the cops, hipster vandals dressed as clowns and Bob Marley fans...

But this is the real story. I won't say much beyond recommending that you watch the whole thing, that every so often I actually like teenagers for their hormone-fueled idiocy, and that I've had a very similar experience with an insane stranger (as soon as you match or cater to their lunacy they start calling you nuts).

Also, as usual, the Videogum comments are pretty good.

Dwight's Schrute's Canada Song

2010-06-29T17:55:00.000-07:00

This is better than the national anthem.

Star Wars Kid is All Growsed Up!

2010-06-03T15:52:00.000-07:00

...and at McGill law school (according to Gawker)! One of the first viral (do we still call it that?) stars ever, he was truly an oddity in that he had no intent on exploiting his newfound fame. At all. Even when 'fans' petitioned George Lucas to get him a part in the (then) new Star Wars movie, he just wanted to be left alone. His life was so hellish he dropped out of school and spent time in a psych ward, likely missing fellow Canadian Michael Cera's ongoing tribute/parody to his amazing moves in Arrested Development's short run.

Oh man, that place is so full of douches, I don't know whether him getting outed will be a nightmare or whether he'll fit right in (he successfully sued the parents of the kid who leaked the video for $250,000).

Dirty, Dirty CNIB

2010-04-12T21:06:00.000-07:00

NSFW Alert: There's a bit of a buzz right now around Lisa J. Murphy, a Canadian photographer with a certificate in Tactile Graphics from the CNIB (Canadian National Institute for the Blind). She's put out a book for the blind that includes 3-D pornographic images and braille descriptions. But it's not just vanilla T&A in stark white & white. There are pressed-paper syringes, "male love robots" and Satanic ram heads. Apparently each image took 50 hours to create.

Quoted in the UK Telegraph, Murphy said she made the book after realising that the 'blind have been left out in a culture saturated with sexual images.'

You can see – and buy – the whole thing at Tactile Mind.

What the TGIF?

2010-03-25T18:33:00.000-07:00

While I was thrilled to see the Canadian guy back on 30 Rock, someone's going to have to explain this joke to me.

So, he's been nominated for a Juno for recording 'the psych up song that plays during Ottawa Senators games, but then he says it's an honour to have been nominated in the same category as Dave Coulier? WTGIF? Coulier's not Canadian. Or does possibly being referenced in an Alanis Morissette song get him honourary citizenship?

Liz Lemon's NSFW Ring Tone

2010-03-12T18:48:00.000-08:00

Last night on 30 Rock Liz Lemon got to her phone after only a few bars of 'Fuck the Pain Away' by Canadian schoolteacher-turned-electro star Peaches. Before it could get real nice and dirty.

Below, Miss Piggy's take on the tune.

Corey... Story... Allegory

2010-03-11T18:58:00.000-08:00

While Canada has had its share of 'technical' homegrown celebs who were born here and got the hell out of dodge before their, uh, boiled maple syrup could be twirled up with a popsicle stick (what? I'm tired and it's almost sugaring off season), Corey Haim is a friend-of-a-friend of plenty of Montrealers and Torontonians and has close family in both cities. We've heard stories about his slow-mo downward spiral for a good 12 years now, including long stretches living in a basement in the Montreal suburbs. We could write an essay about him and his long, strange journey, from child star to embarrassing rap career to his arrested development. And all the false starts and hobbled comebacks. But it's been done and done.

In the words of yet another friend-of-a-friend who interviewed the ex-teen idol a little over a year ago, 'When I met Corey Haim, he made me want to cry.'

Goodnight, sweet prince.

What If Everybody in Canada Flushed At Once?

2010-03-09T19:01:00.000-08:00

Funny, fascinating graph created by Edmonton's water utility company, EPCOR, showing the correlation between Olympic hockey game breaks and water usage aka toilet flushing (via Pat's Papers).

BREAKING NEWS: 'Offending Canada Wasn't Intentional'

2010-03-04T10:42:00.000-08:00

Canada's favourite new columnist, Gil LeBreton, must have gotten an earful for his column comparing the patriotism surrounding the Vancouver Olympic Games to 1930s-style führer fervor, because he's run a (lame, weak, sorta) apology.

Does this sound heartfelt, or like he just found out his editor-in-chief is from Calgary? (I just made that up but it happens all the time – Canadians are super sneaky and in Americans' midst, ready to display their funny-coloured passports when they least suspect it.)

I reached for a comparison and picked one in the 1936 Olympics that unintentionally may have offended the very people whose company I have enjoyed for these past days.

I apologize for offending them.

Ah yes, the classic non-apology. 'I'm sorry you got so offended, if I'd known you were so sensitive I would have compared you to someone other than Hitler.' Maybe half a notch better than 'I'm sorry I got caught.'

Our other pet theory for this follow-up column (other than, you know, giving some Louisiana nobody more free publicity) – he totally forgot to include this last schmaltzy line in his last column and felt it was so golden, so pure, it had to go somewhere! So he closed with it.

Changing trains on the way to the Closing Ceremony on Sunday, I passed a gentleman that I had seen before at that station. He was a street musician and had an electric guitar, but he was dressed elegantly in a white bowtie and dinner jacket. His guitar case was open to collect tips.

The gentleman was slowly strumming the Louis Armstrong classic What a Wonderful World.

I gave him all the change I had.

Jesus H. Christ. Schmaltz for schmaltz' sake? Yes! Patriotism? Nein!

Canadians Are Worse Than Hitler!

2010-03-03T17:55:00.001-08:00

Just when Canadians were starting to feel comfortable with their funny new feelings (not quite the opposite of shame... less shame?), we learn that not only were we too proud during the Games – we're no better than a buncha Nazis!

Star-Telegram columnist Gil LeBreton devotes two pages to bashing Canada's coverage of American and European athletes (er, was he watching a Canadian network?), the 'insensitivity' of the host city over the death of luger Kumaritashvili, their greedy hoarding of tickets (apparently the grandstands were FULL of Canadians!), and even sneering at the country's loose morals and lax marijuana laws.

There was embracing, all right, but then Canadians have always had the reputation for drinking a lot of beer. The loose marijuana laws only added to the nightly revelry in the downtown streets -- which, frankly, seemed to have little to do with the Olympics.

Canada wanted to hold a party, and the Canadians did. The gold medals only seemed to fuel them.

Team Canada hockey jerseys became the uniform of the streets. Maple leafs were either hanging or on clothing everywhere.

One thing I never saw: a simple flag or shirt with the five Olympic rings. Not anywhere. After 15 Olympics, that was a first.

I didn't attend the '36 Olympics, but I've seen the pictures. Swastikas everywhere.

No political reference is meant, just an Olympic one. What on earth were the Canadians thinking?

'No offense, people, I just think you're worse than Hitler. Hey, I SAID NO OFFENSE!'

An Olympic host is supposed to welcome the world. This one was too busy being (their word) "patriotic."

Remember when Canada invented patriotism? When we drive down to the US, it's like one second we're knee-deep in beaver (ha) and maple leafs and then when we get to the border – nothing! What does a US flag even look like?

"Now you know us, eh?" chief organizer Furlong said.

We thought we did two weeks ago. Now, I'm wondering if Canadians can even recognize themselves.

Nice party. But so 1936.

You cannot make this stuff up, people! Well, I mean, it's a first-person story with little but this guy's warped p.o.v. as foundation, so in a way it is entirely made up, but... we're not sure how to finish that sentence.

[Yes, we clearly just Googled Canadian + Nazi and posted the first picture that came up. If you want to Photoshop a swastika onto Captain Kirk or give Stephen Harper a Hitler mustache... oh wait, of course that exists already!]

'Hollywood Puck Bunnies WIth An NHL Jock Fetish'

2010-03-01T21:13:00.000-08:00

MSN Entertainment trend piece or the title of a PPV porn?

For the record, Elisha Cuthbert may have had bad taste, but she also had a blog on NHL.com, once upon a time.

Still Better Than The Marriage Ref

2010-03-01T20:32:00.000-08:00

We thought we'd heard the best description of last night's Olympic Closing Ceremonies – someone on NBC compared them to a Canadian Vegas act (they also kept emphasizing how important hockey is for Canadians, right after the US lost) – but then we discovered this Maple Rag post (normally 'A snarky outsider look at the boring world of Canadian politics,' but also self-proclaimed Official Canadian™ Politics Blog of the Vancouver™ 2010™ Olympics™).

Y’know the over-the-top musical number at the end of Producers, “Springtime for Hitler”? It was that, but with Canada instead of Nazis.

There are plenty of gems sprinkled in there, making us somewhat less sorry that we didn't live blog the whole thing (though we're still totally unapologetic about the nap we took mid-gold medal hockey game). We particularly liked their take on the musical acts:

I then proceeded to predict pretty much all the big Canadian musical acts that would come up next. I was just kidding, of course – “oh, haha, what’s next, Simple Plan…. oh fffffu-AREYOUSERIOUS”, and just like that they popped up in a row like the Junos on acid.

Yep, that pretty much sums it up. We got downright patriotic at Neil Young, and Michael Bublé's campiness was actually quite cute, but Nickelback and Avril Lavigne easily canceled out, like, six gold medals.

2010-02-23T19:59:00.000-08:00

According to Gawker, coverage of Haiti has dropped 30% in US newspapers and wires this week.

What could have edged them out? A whopping 877 stories about curling.

Busted! Again!

2010-02-21T19:57:00.000-08:00

Egads! Do you think they'll let us use this tee as our site banner?

From their site: 'We let the Barenaked Ladies slide.'

D'oh! Canada!*

2010-02-21T18:33:00.000-08:00

Tonight's episode of The Simpsons (what, is there some sort of ice-based event taking place?**) was a flashback to a Simpsons family ancestor who helps out the Underground Railroad (which, as Lisa explains, was neither a railroad nor physically underground). The episode ends in Canada with a glaring anachronism that even a Harvard grad should have spotted – a modern Canadian flag. Technically it was only officially adopted in 1965 (you can read more at Wikipedia, unless of course we win the game tonight and all Canuck-related pages are horribly vandalized).

*We could pretty much use this heading for any Simpsons-related post, huh? And there are a lot of them.

**Okay, we'll admit it, we are actually watching snippets of it mid-post. And crossing our fingers that there won't be a riot.

Pardon, Would it Trouble You if We Won a Medal Or Two?

2010-02-18T20:29:00.000-08:00

Slate has a cute round-up of news stories about the Vancouver Olympics – not just about the games themselves, but about Canadians. Apparently we're too cute, too bashful, too proud, even too 'un-Canadian.'

An excerpt (bolding mine):

Ink has also been spilled—not a lot, mind you—on the alleged rivalry between the United States and Canada; at least 87 percent of which is actually a rivalry between Stephen Colbert and Canada. Canadians tend to think Americans are loud and boorish. Canadians are generally dismissed by Americans as boring and staggeringly polite and nice. With the exception of hockey, which the New York Times describes as "the escape valve that makes Canadian niceness possible," Canadians are invariably painted as hopelessly childlike and sweet. Until they become evil.

Colbert has said that "Own the Podium" seems a little more strident than the previous Canadian slogan: "Pardon, would it trouble you if we won a medal or two? It would? OK. Never mind."

Somewhat predictably, the comments section is a mix of Canadians angry that the article's author is an ex-Canadian and dares to speak on their behalf, Americans complaining about Canadians' holier-than-thou attitude and Canadians apologizing for any offense.

Bow Before Your Boring Conquerors

2010-02-15T06:41:00.000-08:00

Last night was all about Canada, and we're not talking about gold medals. In addition to The Simpsons, American Dad featured cyborg Future Stan. Apparently, in the future, America gets taken over by Mexico and Canada aka 'gardeners and boring people.' Future Stan's accent is somewhere between Tijuana and Gaspé.

Canadian Club! POW!

2010-02-14T17:12:00.001-08:00

It's not Canada's national sport (and neither was hockey, really, until that was made the official 'winter sport' – it's lacrosse. Cue 'The More You Know' shooting star), but curling does hold a special place in our hearts. It seems one of us did it for a few weeks in high school before slipping on the ice and *ahem* smacking another player in the face with a broom (by accident!).

So we were happy to see The Simpsons come to Vancouver as part of the US Olympic curling team in tonight's episode. Oddly, whereas a visit to America Junior would normally make every front page and news broadcast in the country, we only found out about this episode's Canadian angle right before it aired. What gives, Canadian media? Got more important things to report or something? (Not that it didn't get any mention at all, of course. You've got to love this quote: "It brings attention to our sport and I think it's wonderful. The more curling on TV, whether it's in an animated form or real form, the better.").

Some highlights:

-'Come for the tax credits, stay for the marijuana.'
-Opening ceremony tribute to Ivan Reitman/Ghostbusters.
-Releasing the beavers.
-Canadian Milhouse.
-Giving someone some 'Canadian club' – is that a real thing?
-The cute reveal with the Russian Olympic mascot at the end who's basically Homer's chin.

Should be interesting to see how the episode's done, ratings-wise, compared to the actual Olympics. Those are airing now, right?

Grammy Invasion

2010-01-31T20:40:00.000-08:00

We're going to pretend we actually watched the Grammys just so we can brag about how Canadians cleaned up tonight. It was all the news anchors could talk about, and no doubt there'll be adorable newspaper articles tomorrow about how Canadians are 'really hot right now' and 'finally getting noticed' in the music industry with some quote from a sweet American PR person about how 'Canadians are so talented, and friendly, too!'

Neil Young got a Grammy (finally!), as did Michael Bublé (who was actually quite good acting on SNL the other night). Beyoncé covered both Alanis Morissette and Sarah McLachlan, Celine Dion was part of an MJ tribute, and Leonard Cohen got a Lifetime Achievement Award.

Don't think I mentioned Cohen last because he's the least important or anything like that. I just knew I wanted to segue into a video, an excuse to link to one of the best musicians of all time. Had a hell of time choosing just one. And no, it's not Hallelujah*.

*Not that that isn't one of the most beautiful songs in existence, but between The OC and Justin Timberlake's cover for Haiti relief**, we figured it could use a rest.

**Not that Haiti disaster relief isn't a worthy cause (donate here), it just strikes us as supremely odd to sing such a sexy song in that context. It's almost as if everyone stopped listening to the lyrics past the first chorus. 'There was a time you let me know/What's really going on below/But now you never show it to me, do you?' Really? Down below like, the Caribbean?

Angry Hockey

2010-01-31T11:48:00.000-08:00

Clients From Hell has been my 'New Favourite Site' (TM) for quite some time, and for good reason. No comments, no discussion, just quotes from clients of graphic and web designers that manage to speak for themselves. We've heard most of them, first- and second-hand. So we were delighted when we ran across this one.

Hi could you please fix my website so that people in Canada can’t see it? It makes fun of hockey and I don’t want to get hurt.

Honestly, it's probably one of the more reasonable client requests.

More Canuck on 30 Rock

2010-01-28T18:31:00.000-08:00

They let the Canadian guy on 30 Rock again! A few episodes ago, the new cast member made a meta joke about how he hadn't been seen much since being introduced this season.

The other night he showed up again, watching sports with Jack and calling players hosers. He referenced Canadian basketball star Steve Nash. And was Liz Lemon's make-out buddy! I'll forgive his not actually being Canadian, but only because he looks so cute in a CHiPs uniform .

Oh, and his best quote from a former episode

Are you being sarcastic? Canadians have a hard time recognizing sarcasm. We don't have a large Jewish population.

Don't worry. He figures it out, eventually..

Canada on Community

2010-01-28T17:22:00.000-08:00

On last week's Community, after Britta's boyfriend sees his love letter to her has been passed around, Jeff says: 'Oh god, my life is Degrassi High!'

He could have meant the TNG reboot, but the show's so good, I prefer to think he was referencing the campy original.

The video below has nothing to do with awkward Canadian teens in bad denim. It's a song from Community, and proof that Chevy Chase has mellowed.

Avril Lavigne: Canadian Idol

2010-01-28T16:36:00.001-08:00

No, the Canadian version of the reality series isn't back (someone must have pulled it after the ratings got too high). Belleville, Ontario's lil'est punk Avril Lavigne was a guest judge on American Idol. We like Defamer's take on the episode, including this classic anti-Canuck comment.

Avril Lavigne actually said at one point last night "That's so punk rock." Which... 1) No. 2) You are Canadian. 3) It should be illegal to utter the phrase "punk rock" within a ten mile radius of American Idol, unless you are saying "American Idol is the least punk rock thing in the world, less punk rock than your mother humming peacefully to the meatloaf in the kitchen on a gauzy summer evening. It is even less punk rock than that."

Uh, hello? Not punk rock? What about Clay Aiken?

Olympics, Schmolympics

2010-01-26T20:25:00.000-08:00

Of COURSE people care about the Olympics, Busted Tees. Who else are we supposed to curse when all our favourite programs are pre-empted?

Might As Well Go for a Soda! Wait... What?

2010-01-12T20:58:00.000-08:00

Might as well go for a soda
Nobody hurts and nobody cries
Might as well go for a soda
Nobody drowns and nobody dies
Might as well go for a soda
It's better than slander It's better than lies

1) While I learned the lyrics to this Kim Mitchell song a while ago, it's always funny to re-experience that WTF moment when someone else hears its real name and a sampling of its lyrics (often after having heard the song at least a hundred times thanks to CanCon radio laws).

2) The song was used in an episode of American Dad, AT The Abusive Terrestrial. Appropriately enough, it's used in a montage chronicling Stan and Francine's love for the soft drink aka soda Mr. Pibb.

3) The photo above was posted and, one assumes, approved by the Buffalo, NY Tourism Board.

4) Best. Video. Ever.

My Girlfriend Who Lives in Canada

2010-01-10T20:23:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned in an earlier post, putting 'Canadian' in front of another word just makes for the funny. Put it in front of 'girlfriend' and you've got a whole set of assumptions – she's probably sweet and bookish, maybe French Canadian or a milk-fed Prairie girl. Oh, and she doesn't exist.

TV Tropes has a great entry on the pop culture phenomenon of the Girlfriend in Canada, the first love of countless American geeks and gay guys, both fictional and real.

Apparently this thinly-veiled tactic was first used by Anthony Michael Hall's character Brian Johnson in The Breakfast Club. He claimed to have a girlfriend in Niagara Falls. Of course, no one believed him, and this tends to be the case (do they even have girls in Canada, anyway?) especially now that the internet has overtaken whatever it is we used for communication up in the Great White North in 1985. Pony Express?

One of my favourite takes on it is this Onion article, 'Canadian Girlfriend Unsubstantiated.' I actually know one of the head writers over there (I swear!), I wonder if he wrote it. A taste:

Ever since September, Woronoff has been telling friends and classmates that he is involved in a long-distance relationship with "Audrey de Trudeau," an alleged Banff, Alberta 17-year-old. According to Woronoff, he and de Trudeau met last July while both were counselors at a band camp in the Boundary Waters region of northern Minnesota near the U.S.-Canadian border.

"We totally fell in love with each other at camp, and when the summer ended, we decided to stay together," Woronoff said. "It's too bad Audrey can't come down and visit me all that often, living so far away and all."

I've also attached one of the best modern examples, the song 'My Girlfriend Who Lives in Canada' from the musical Avenue Q (Which I've seen twice and highly recommend).

Alpha Flight: The Other Team Canada

2010-01-10T18:33:00.000-08:00

I've been reading a lot about Alpha Flight lately. I thought it was vaguely cool that Wolverine is Canadian, but as it turns out there's a whole Canadian justice league (not to be confused with the Justice League of Antarctica, though I really couldn't blame you for the mix-up), and it's their job to protect the Great White North. You know, clean water, salmon, tar sands, that sort of thing.

The team includes:

Guardian, a St. Thomas, Ontario scientist who can manipulate Earth's magnetic field and whose maple flag-emblazoned jumpsuit could easily belong to our Olympic bobsled team (after he dies, he's replaced by his wife, Vindicator aka Heather MacNeil – isn't that a positively Canadian name? She might as well host a CBC morning show).

Northstar the first openly gay Marvel hero (from Montreal, natch). His powers include super speed and light generation.

His twin sister Aurora (Borealis must have been taken), who shares his powers. She's also got mental problems and a great back story involving a mean headmistress (who I assume was a Catholic, French-Canadian nun).

Marrina, an amphibious Newfoundland woman. I actually came upon her a little while ago while checking out Marvel's female characters

Plus a Sasquatch, a Shaman, an Inuit demi-goddess named Snowbird*, and Puck, a dwarf bouncer from Saskatoon who really doesn't seem to have any abilities beyond that of a Cirque du Soleil performer. And that's just Volume 1. Volume 2 and 3 include Manbot, Major Mapleleaf and Yukon Jack.

Sooo many questions. Why weren't we taught about Department H in school? Did Guardian and Captain America ever face off in a sexy, cross-border battle? How come so many female characters have the word 'bird' in their name? When will Alpha Flight get a Heritage Minute?

Don't Be an Ice-Hole

2009-11-26T20:46:00.000-08:00

Colbert is sticking it to Canadians over Olympic ice time. Now he wants American viewers to take part in a letter writing campaign, instructing them:

'Don't forget to include your return address. Canadians are so polite they'll probably send a thank-you note.'

30 ROCK'S NEW CANADIAN CAST MEMBER OMG !!!1!!1!

2009-11-11T18:31:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I've been neglecting this blog, blah blah blah excusecakes. Who cares. In tomorrow night's episode of 30 Rock aka the best comedy on television, show-within-a-show TGS is getting a new cast member – and he's Canadian! This despite Jack's insistence that Liz Lemon skip Toronto on her tour of stand-up acts.

The Good: Despite featuring Jeff Dunham in last week's episode (was that a ratings ploy or did someone lose a bet?), they kept it to a cameo.

The Bad: One of the jokes from the promo had the guy pronouncing 'about.' Really? Still?

The Ugly: The actor playing the new Canadian cast member, Cheyenne Jackson, is from Newport, WA. Booo to that casting decision. Some might argue it's worse than blackface and fat suits put together (they'd be crazy, but they'd still argue).

Ahhh, whatever, it's gonna be great! And I was just remarking how odd it is that SNL currently has no Canucks, what after a long rich history of Mike Myerses and Martin Shortses (not to mention Lorne Michaels himself).

Gosh, I haven't been this excited since Don Draper ordered Canadian Club.

UPDATE: Great episode, as usual, though I could have used more Canadian jokes (masochists, all of us). They mostly kept it to the (sigh) 'aboot' stuff, and the new guy has yet to shine, really, though he did get one of the best bits of the night – a flashback to a scene from a football movie he did back in Ottawa, which included the line: 'We're going to make this a Boxing Day the Prime Minister will never forget!'

Captain Canada

2009-09-15T17:21:00.000-07:00

The description for Busted Tees' Captain America-inspired Captain Canada tee (16.99 USD) is 'Keeping miles of barren snowy wasteland safe.'

Hey, come on! There's a lot of interest in our Northern waters!

Please God, Don't Make This Kid a (Bigger) Star

2009-07-02T14:00:00.000-07:00

Is that his real voice?

Vintage Canadian: Smooth Mooves

2009-06-17T09:34:00.000-07:00

Thanks Jezebel for posting to this vintage ad for Windsor Canadian. Almost as good as watching Don Draper drink Canadian Club (he likes it neat).

30 Rock Mocks MTV Canada

2009-05-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

By some strange coincidence, last night's 30 Rock rerun had Steve Martin's character, supposed millionaire Gavin Volure, mocking MTV Canada.

Liz Lemon: I really enjoyed watching MTV Canada with you.
Gavin Volure: They can’t seem to get anything right up there, can they?

He also compared Toronto to New York ('but without all the stuff') and used a bottle of inexpensive cholesterol medication as proof that he'd been in Canada.

They've got to have a few self-deprecating Canuck writers, right? (Which would also explain why the show's so damn good!)

MTV Mean to American Stoners

2009-05-20T21:14:00.000-07:00

VS.

Feminist pop culture site Jezebel's resident stoners-turned-agony aunts Tracie and Rich posted this p.m. about their horrible experience at MTV Canada. Apparently someone named 'sheener' contacted them about doling out advice on air (though she, along with the hosts, didn't quite seem to know who they were), but the whole thing went down horribly and they got lost in the land of incommunicado – both because of technical problems (they were using Skype for video and a cell phone for audio... whaa?) and because of this odd mix of... I don't know... extreeeme '90s MTV in-your-faced-ness and not-quite-there-yet-but-I-hear-the-kids-are-down-with-it edgy cyber technology.

The whole thing was obviously a mess and the hosts did probably the most obnoxious thing possible in that situation – they made it seem like it was Tracie and Rich's fault (you know, 'cause they're stonnned), asking 'Are you on the moon right now?' They talked to them in an incredibly condescending manner, basically insulting the pair because they (the hosts) didn't read them out the questions properly. Not everyone's great patching over technical difficulties, but this came out petty and unprofessional. And all this after MTV asked them to appear on the show.

Anyway, Tracie's comments (below, bolding mine) prompted plenty of MTV Canada hate and apologies from Canadian Jezebel commenters. Could this be the start of a cross-border flame war?

We thought Canadians were supposed to to be polite, but they weren't gracious at all about all the stupid shit we had to do to make this happen. The guy told the audience that they'd never get those three minutes back, but thanks to the janky sound of MTV Canada, you didn't hear Rich say, "Neither will we." We were doing them a favor. They asked us to do this. We didn't get paid, but you can see in the video that they repeatedly mention something about $40. We'd like that $40 ($35.0665 USD) because the story we got out of it, as much as we so cherish it, is still kind of shitty compensation.

Anyway, what we've learned from all of this is that being rejected by MTV Canada is like being rejected by an ugly guy you never were interested in to begin with.

If Canadians keep feeding this jerky rep, I may have to change the descriptor of this site!

King of the Hill: The Canadians

2009-05-19T12:13:00.000-07:00

As promised, here are the best bits and quotes from Sunday's episode of King of the Hill:

-In general, 'The Canadians' (often referred to as such, especially be Hank) were jackasses. They insulted Hank's lawn and preferred beer, called the cops on the Hill's party and were very un-neighbourly.

-Plenty of jokes about centimetres, Canadian football and a basket-load of ‘Eh’s. And the wife brought her own maple syrup to Texas.

-Am I the only Canadian who's never even heard someone refer to a couch as a chesterfield, except as a joke?

-The couple's kid wears a Proots shirt.

-'Jeff' Boomhauer's French Canadian lover (in Guelph, Ontario? Okay then) bringing him Coffee Crisp. Also, Boomhauer speaking garbled French.

-Hank:'A man only has so many summers. Why would he choose to spend one in a country that’s dismantling its navy?’

-Hank: 'They’re probably not used to dealing with neighbours. Canada is vast. You could go months without seeing another person.’

-Hank: 'That must be how they trash talk in Canada. With little chuckles.' (That one's my personal fave.)

-Bobby: 'Can I have a half-litre of OJ?'

-Kahn: 'If you ask me, America's buiding a wall on the wrong border!'

-Canadian Husband: ‘You Americans are so insulated. Tell me who our prime minister is!’ Hank: ‘Why?’

-Towards the end, Canadians are labeled as sanctimonious and bland. So, did Mike Judge have a bad experience or is he taking the mickey?

I also looked around for reviews of the episode and found some polite rage:

From Firefox News

The Hoskins were shallow, irritating caricatures of Canadian stereotypes, their roles unleavened for the most part by any sense of humanity or sympathy – they were snotty and unlikable, and unworthy of a happy ending. Because of this, the show’s message comes off as strident and needlessly reactionary.

From No Homers Club (love the name):

-While I'm sure they are way more offensive despiction [sic] of Canadian on television, being from Quebec I rolled my eyes hearing the girl who name and accent are way too France-French and when she ask him to make love to him the sentence is oblivously [sic] one written and spoke by one that never spoke french as the sentence all wrong (and her accent like a french trying to sound like a quebecer)

-As a Canadian, should I be offended by this episode? Objectively, I thought they painted an oddly cruel depiction of Canadians, while still adopting a bunch of tired stereotypes. [...] The ending, where the Canadian guy isn't even grateful was also a bit malicious. Was this all for the sake of making a point about Americans acting like good and grateful neighbors, despite their greatness? I'm... a bit confused. And as a Canadian, I will say that backyard bar setup looked extremely appealing.

So, what did you think of the show's portrayal of Canadians? Pure satire? Genuine criticism? A refreshing alternative to Michael Moore-style idolatry?

(and hello to all of you checking out the site since I linked to it from Facebook! Feel free to love, mock, or mock out of love!)

King of the Hill: Ending on a Canadian Note

2009-05-15T17:03:00.000-07:00

First That '70s Show had the kids driving across the border for beer. Then The Simpsons came here for cheap meds. Now criminally-underrated Mike Judge comedy King of the Hill is heading North (well, briefly) as Boomhauer trades houses for the summer with a Canadian couple in the episode "Uh-Oh Canada". Apparently Hank et al try to make their new neighbours feel welcome but don't quite see eye to eye on several issues (Guns? Abortion? Health care? Pick one! Though I wonder how much more effective this would have been pre-Obama). Whose Line is it Anyway's Colin Mochrie provides one of the voices.

Check out the episode – which is also the show's 13th Season finale and third-to-last episode ever – this Sunday on Fox. I'll be sure to note my favourite bits!

On Canada...

2009-05-14T17:17:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to include quotes on Canada here and there (aside form the classic Capone one in the blog description). Was listening to a piece on CBC Radio about the Battle of the Plains of Abraham when this gem came up (and yes, the preceding sentence is one of the geekiest, most canadian I've ever written):

"Canada, a few acres of snow." –Voltaire (that's "quelques arpents de neige" in his native language, of course).

With the unseasonably cold weather we've been having lately, who can blame him?

Kid in the Hall: Scott Thompson

2009-05-07T16:49:00.000-07:00

Believe me, believe me, I intend to get to every single member of Canadian comedy troupe The Kids in the Hall, but for now I'm going to focus on Scott aka Buddy Cole aka Queen Elizabeth II aka 'the gay one.' (It always amuses me when someone is introduced to the sketch show and asks who's gay and who isn't).

You can argue all day about which Kid has had the most successful career since the series ended in 1995, but I've been catching up on The Larry Sanders Show and Scott deserves props for his turn as Hank's assistant Brian. He's efficient, polite, witty, and oh-so-Canadian. According to his interview in the DVD extras (conducted while he takes a bubble bath), he was scouted by Shandling himself and agreed to do the series, but insisted his character be Canadian. It's fun to hear him slip in an 'Eh' here and there, and anyone who can hold his own against Jeffrey Tambor is a star.

Check out his very first episode below (you can find them all on YouTube).

(By the way, according to Wikipedia he's turning 50 on June 12, so here's wishing him an early 21st birthday.)

Harlequin: 60 Years of Canadian-Made 'Mommy Time'

2009-04-14T12:40:00.000-07:00

According to ABC News there's one surprising sector valiantly plowing away amidst the recession – romance novels. Harlequin's fourth-quarter earnings were up 32% and they sell about 130 billion books a year. (I actually knew all this after doing an article on where frustrated mothers and bored substitute teachers can turn for editorial stimulation now that Playgirl has folded.)

Fun fact: the mega publisher started off in Winnipeg, Manitoba and is currently based in Toronto. I love the ABC announcer's acknowledgment of this:

'Yes, we do get our romance from Canada.'

Other things I love about the publishing company, aside from its country of origin, include its wonderfully euphemistic tag line – For Women Who Love to Read – and every single title in its latest list of bestsellers (found here)

Top 10 Bestselling Harlequin Novels (April 09)

1. Temperatures Rising
2. The Greek Millionaire's Secret Child
3. The Sicilian Boss's Mistress
4. The Tycoon's Rebel Bride
5. Valentino's Love-Child
6. Montana Mistress
7. The Moretti Arrangement
8. Propositioned Into a Foreign Affair
9. Fortune's Woman
10. The Once and Future Prince

Check out the full ABC video below, or just see the best bits – stars like Paul Rudd, Cheryl Hines and (Canadian) Seth Rogen reading excerpts of Harlequin novels – at Videogum.

Billy Bob: 0, Jian Ghomeshi: 2

2009-04-13T07:26:00.000-07:00

Bye bye Boxmasters, we hardly knew ye. Apparently audience boos cause the flu, so BBT and crew have cancelled the rest of their Canadian tour dates.

This is the best bit of the linked article:

Speaking at Toronto's Massey Hall Thursday, Thornton told the crowd that Ghomeshi, whose name Thornton said he couldn't remember, was an "a--hole."

"I sat down and talked with this guy," Thornton said from the stage. "He and his producers say, `We promise you we won't say that' (meaning references to Thornton's acting career). The very first thing they said was that... If you look someone in the eyes and promise them something, and you don't do it, you don't get the interview."

Actually, I believe the word Thornton used during the interview was 'instructed.' No requests, no promises, but strict instructions from a C-list band to a publicly funded radio show's producers. And the irony is, really, that beyond the brief introduction Ghomeshi barely touched on the actor's resume.

Oh well. He's gone. And the rest, as they say, is gravy.

Billy Bob: 0, Jian Ghomeshi: 1

2009-04-08T16:35:00.000-07:00

The only Canadian celeb here is CBC radio host Jian Ghomeshi (you know, the one with 'the eyes of an Arabian princess'), but you'd better believe the American news and gossip sites are picking up on his interview with actor Billy Bob Thornton – wait, wait! Musician! I meant musician! Please don't hurt me, Mr. Bob Thornton (if you do I swear I will defend myself with creepy antique furniture).

So Billy Bob and country-rockers the Boxmasters are opening for Willie Nelson for a few stops on his tour, and apparently

'the guy's publicity team reportedly instructed the Q team not to ask any questions about the aforementioned celebrated Hollywood career, under any circumstances. (On air, Thornton referred to these unmentionables as "all that s***.")'

Jian ended up alluding to it at the beginning, the 'unmentionables' hit the fan and the Billy Bob never ended up performing (leaving his sullen bandmates go it alone). Wonder what would have happened had Jian mentioned Mr. Woodcock.

You can check out a piece on the truly bizarre encounter here, and some video of Billy and the Boxmasters below (in all fairness, their collective charisma is equivalent to that of a day-old douche – though it's hard to tell if they're just as bad as BBT or simply embarrassed to be with him).

Like Entourage star Adrian Grenier once told me, in reference to his band The Honey Brothers, 'People are going to come [to concerts] for the wrong reasons. It's your job to win them over and make them stay for the right reasons.' Yeah it can be annoying for band mates – but they also recognize the benefits of having a celebrity member.

Here are the Boxmasters performing at an LA Borders. I kind of like that sort of music, but Christ, dude – you wouldn't be there if it weren't for Sling Blade and screwing Angelina Jolie.

And hey, speaking of Mr. Grenier, here he is making a cameo in a great Baby Dayliner video. Compare and contrast the two vids as much as you'd like.

The Proposal: North-South Romance

2009-04-07T17:51:00.000-07:00

Just saw the trailer for the Sandra Bullock/Ryan Reynolds rom-com The Proposal, which comes out in June.

Here's the IMDb description: A pushy boss forces her young assistant to marry her in order to keep her Visa status in the U.S. and avoid deportation to Canada.

This is a totally unbelievable premise for two reasons:

1. Who's ever met a pushy Canadian?
2. Everyone knows 'immigrant' is pretty much code for 'Mexican' in the US (as is implied in the trailer). You don't see Americans building a wall along the US/Canadian border (at 8,891 km, it's the longest undefended border in the world – I feel I should put a big The More You Know star right about here). Canucks can come and go as they please.

Okay, neither of those is technically true.

I'm pushy. Also, while I have an EU passport, I'd love an American green card if only for the job opportunities. Even if I married a Yank, becoming legal is a real hassle.

Also, once I was at a press conference in California for Morgan 'Super Size Me' Spurlock's reality series 30 Days, and the panel included two people from the episode 'Immigration' – a Minuteman and a teen from a family of illegal immigrants. I got my (American) journalist friend to ask the Minuteman if Americans should also be scared of Canadians sneaking in and... he pretty much said yes, to our amusement. So be afraid. Verrrry afraaaaid!

It actually looks kind of cute, but then I have a funny sort of fondness for Sandra Bullock – I don't know what it is, I can't think of a movie of hers that I've adored, but she remains likable. And who doesn't love Betty White? (Seriously, who? I'll kill 'em!)

The irony here is that there's a casting switcheroo, with BC-born Reynolds playing the American assistant while Virginian Bullock is the Canadian boss. Oddly enough, it seems to have been shot in America, too, which has come to be the exception (especially with Canadian cast members – each one's a tax credit!)

Watch this spot for hilarious discussions from the film's IMDb message board – they're already arguing over the accents.

30 Rock Mocks Us

2009-03-27T12:19:00.000-07:00

There was a blink-and-you'll-miss-it Canadian moment on last night's 30 Rock (the best show on TV right now). Liz's douchey boyfriend comes back to apologize for being a sex addict and she finds out he once slept with Jenna. Liz lets Jenna slip during a Peter Pan sketch, Jenna gets mad and declares

'You're no longer my +1 to the Canadian Grammys.'

It's the sort of joke everyone can appreciate, even if they have no idea what she's talking about (she is, of course, referring to the Junos, which are taking place this Sunday – how timely! I've never actually seen them, but they have a website and everything. Just for the record, I also avoid the Grammys).

It just sounds funny. I'm pretty sure you can just add the word 'Canadian' in front of anything and it'll sound funny. Football, Oscars, political scandal...

They Think I'm Slow, Eh?

2009-03-26T21:34:00.000-07:00

Only in Canada would the biggest casualty of massive cuts to our national broadcaster be an America cartoon. Honestly, it's tragic what's going on at the CBC, but the only thing people are complaining about is their ditching The Simpsons.

The series holds a special place in Canadian hearts, especially for those of us in our 20s and 30s who grew up without cable. We reference The Simpsons daily the same way I imagine preachers do with passages from The Bible. It's not really a question of being a fan or not – it's just something you do, something in your blood.

It helps that The Simpsons has always tread that loving line between using Canada as a punchline and holding it up as a kinder, gentler United States. I vaguely remember the first reference I caught – it's the episode where Lisa loses the essay/public speaking contest to an Asian boy (he wrote, of course, USA A-OK) who asks: 'Where else but in America, or possibly Canada, could our family find such opportunity?'

Since then, there have been so many Canadian jokes: cheap medicine, decriminalized pot, America Junior, the assumption that home electronics need maple syrup to function... Too many to count. Except in the literal sense. You can find them all at the Simpsons, Eh? site.

And you can check out some video clips of the greatest (Canadian) hits in this Global National story. Honestly, it is worth a look. You get:

-Canadian game show contestants being rained on by scorpions
-angry dad yelling: 'That's it! Back to Winnipeg!'
-Bart's special ed classmate saying: 'I moved here from Canada and they think I'm slow, eh?'
and more!

Anyway, this is probably something I'll come back to.

In the News: Fox Faux Up

2009-03-24T12:42:00.000-07:00

You probably know the story already – Fox News's 'comedy' show Red Eye managed to run a 'satirical' bit on Canada's military the same day four Canadian soldiers were killed in Afganistan. Now, I usually err on the side of a sense of humour (for example, Brazilians outraged by their portrayal on The Simpsons? You're silly), but I'll respect all the outrage in this case because:

1. Fox news shouldn't do satire (unless, of course, the entire network is an elaborate piece of performance art).
2. Bad timing.
3. In his 'apology,' Red Eye host Greg Gutfeld said the show addresses topics 'in a lighthearted, humorous and ridiculous manner.' That's not an apology, that's a description. A lame description. 'Ridiculous manner'? It sounds like a Craigslist pitch from an aspiring TV writer looking for a producer.

Here's a video of Peter McKay commenting on the whole thing (not to be callous, but if this guy ever got Botox he'd basically be reduced to a peeled egg).

5 Reasons Robin Sparkles Rocks Our Bod ('til Canada Day)

2009-03-23T21:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this clip c/o US sitcom How I Met Your Mother is a bit old, but really, it’s perfect. It manages to poke fun at all-things Canadian (and ’80s – though, in some Canadian cities, those are one and the same) in a lighthearted way. And like so many other Canadian laffs from the TV past, which I hope to post here eventually, half the ribbing is due to the actor or writer in question being Canadian (in this case, Cobie Smulders in the role of Robin Scherbatsky – Robin Sparkles was her mall-touring alter-ego, not to mention a great marketing idea).

5 reasons this video warmed the cockles of my heart...

1. Saying ‘aboot.’ I will admit, this is something I didn't really notice or get 'til a few years ago. As if Canadians all have the same accent, when pairing up a Brooklyn cabbie and Texas businesswoman would be like comparing alien species. But I have been hyper-aware of the word since South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncutcame out. I can’t help it – if a Canadian celeb or politician says ‘about,’ I’ll either note how they don’t have an accent and how this whole ‘aboot’ thing is a myth… or cringe. Anyway, I’m probably racist.

2. The words ‘hair like Gretzky.’ Amazing. Canadians love hockey, or so I’m told, and show like MVP would have you believe that there are ‘puck bunnies’ playing groupie to the likes of… uh help me out here… Chris Chelios? Bobby Orr? Anyway, there are some celeb NHLers but they’re not exactly known for being well-coiffed. And yes, I did just waste three lines explaining a very obvious joke.

3. The robot. My friend’s brother had that thing and all it did was carry drinks, assuming they were the correct size and you didn’t mind stooping over to retrieve them.

4. Brian Mulroney and his dance. Duh. Though any Canadian (and not just those of us who shared a dentist with his kids) will point out that that actor looks nothing like the real lantern-jawed ex-PM.

5. ‘Gonna rock your bod ‘til Canada Day!’ I guarantee that line will get you laid. Try it.

Blame Canada: First!

2009-03-23T02:02:00.000-07:00

It's not so much the video itself – it features a dude singing along to shaky video of the Michigan Marching Band playing the Oscar-nominated, Trey Parker-penned song "Blame Canada" – but the YouTube comments from Canadians. Lest anyone think we're always docile and reasonable, there are gems like this waiting for you

american are fucken fags
go fuck urself bitches

Then again, they're usually met with this sort of wit

hahahaha...that Canadian is getting mad. What a faggot!

The important thing to take from this is not that Americans and Canadians are, while similar to outsiders, intrinsically different, perhaps due to the legends that surround the foundation of their countries and the stories they tell themselves, whether glorifying vigilantes or suffering from tall poppy syndrome... but that YouTube is second-to-none when it comes to idiotic comments. Seriously, they make Craigslist Rants & Raves look like a Mensa meeting.